on porn

this is a hard, awkward post, but that's what this blog is for, to share my heart, pieces of my story and other stories worth the share. 

i didn't really struggle with it. i wasn't an addict or anything. but the few scenes in movies i watched? o, my eyes were such a fascinated pair. i didn't go buy cds to view, or go to the internet in desperate search of bad scenes to watch. but i liked reading romance novels filled with perverse words that created bad scenes floating in my head. they made me think and visualize inappropriate images in my mind. written porn. just as wrong as the images floating on a screen. but somehow i just grew out of reading them by grace. 

romans 8:1

and then i was like 18 and there was a boy. he claimed to be into me. i wasn't really sold, but i started catching feelings and we ended up in a relationship. we danced around fire. he was really into watching porn and would want me to watch it with him. i'm gonna be real and admit i did watch a little, but felt really guilty during and after watching it. hints Holy Spirit convicting me of my sin, my wrong desire to entertain something disgusting which had the potential to grow into an addiction. God uprooted that unhealthy relationship out of my life. if i was serious about God in the first place, i wouldn't have gone into a relationship with a boy with deep porn and lust issues. but somehow, thankfully, i didn't get grossly into it. and i learned some lessons.

and with time, my interest in romance novels wore off. romance. pornography is so farrr from how God created real romance to be. porn is illusive, it leaves you wanting more and more when you ignore the promptings of the Holy Spirit. it destroys and decays the human soul. it's a very wrong presentation of how intimacy should be. watching people performing sexual acts with eachother doesn't make you become a pro at it. it's wrong as a kid, teenager, as a young adult, and even wrong in marriage. porn fills up our heads with images and thoughts that are so carnal. God created sex for us to enjoy in the sanctity of marriage, but porn? so far from the beauty of sex. the thoughts and actions that porn can lead us to are places where our spirits can never thrive.

"you have heard that it was said, 'you shall not commit adultery.' but i tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. matthew 5:27-28

pornography is simply harmful to us and leaves us empty and depressed. but Jesus! He calls us to want Him, desire Him, to need Him, to allow Him to satisfy us, to fill up the emptiness we feel inside. He is the bread of life, the fountain that never runs dry. only He can satisfy. the more i desire and fill up my mind and time with Jesus, the more the junk of the world drift farther away from my thoughts and life.

"for this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality, that each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor, not in the passion of lust like the gentiles who do not know God." 1 thessalonians 4:3-5

"put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry." colossians 3:5

"those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires." galatians 5:24

"if we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." 1 john 1:9

this was a tough post but i know the pieces of my story and the redemption of God in them are not meant to be kept hidden and silenced. that's what the enemy would want. but God spoke to me specifically during missions last year that all i've been through is my testimony and i need to share them.

"and they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony, and they did not love their lives to the death." revelations 12:11

i want to share jimmy needham's testimony on his struggle with pornography. i hope it encourages someone out there struggling too.

{jimmy is one of my fav singers. i'll feature his songs in my music monday series soon}

have you struggled with porn before? how did you flee from it?

love you guys.

xoxo, delali.

linking up here.

music monday// come to Me

hi, guys! music time! :)

are you feeling burnt out? having so many questions gnawing at you? are you somehow carrying some guilt and shame that Jesus has long forgiven you of when you asked for forgiveness? or are you just plain tired of being tired? rest easy. there's hope. 

when He met me in the pouring rain, He assured, confirmed His word and directed. though i didn't get alll the answers i think i need now, what i clearly know is that He wants me to REST in Him and not go about frantically trying to figure life on my own, panicking. i need to be in a state of peace, calmness, and be clearheaded to do what for now He's told me. 

why don't you give your troubles and angst to Him? let's trust Him to give us peace in the middle of the raging storms. this song is one of my consistent jams. i hope you find assurance from it.

come to Me~ jamie grace

i had a dream i was standing on the shore, two feet planted in the sand, soaking up Your glory, yeah.

saw You walking from a distance, without a hint of resistance, had Your arms open and warmth in Your eyes.

You took my hand and You whispered

come to Me when you're weary 

and I'll give you hope when you're hurting, I'll give you rest from your burden.

come to Me when you're weary

and I'll give you hope when you're hurting, I'll give you rest from your burden now.

i woke up to the weight of the world,

 right back into reality and all that's going wrong.

cause in the midst of this chaotic life, i try to find peace of mind

but You've been there all along, and even now i hear You whisper

come to Me when you're weary 

and I'll give you hope when you're hurting, I'll give you rest from your burden.

come to Me when you're weary 

and I'll give you hope when you're hurting, I'll give you rest from your burden.

i feel the weight, i feel the weight is slowly lifting as You close the distance

and i know it's gonna be okay when i hear You say

come to Me when you're weary

and I'll give you hope when you're hurting, oh, I'm gonna carry your burden

come to Me when you're weary

and I'll give you hope when you're hurting, I'll give you rest from your burden now.

the weight is lifted now.

"come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. for My yoke is easy and My burden is light." matthew 11:28-30

xoxo, delali.

swirling thoughts

there are so many thought running around in my head. some are really great, full of hope and dreams, some are reflective of the miracles of the hand of God in my life, and some are of silly fears that i shouldn't be worried about...

i've been dreaming and praying about the time i'll get to work with a humanitarian aid organization, and how swoon i'll be if it's Christ-centered. what can i say, i like to have Him directly involved in what i do. providing  physical aid to the vulnerable and less fortunate is good, but only has a temporary impact on earth. sharing the Gospel while providing physical/emotional aid? great!- there's an eternal impact, a spiritual influence on those lives. i'd love to be an active hands and feet of Christ in this field, playing with kids, see them smile, grow in the Lord and be a Godly influence on young people. i believe this isn't too lofty a dream for God to breath life into.

i've been kinda worrying about the spiritual life of my future husband. my mind goes like- urm, gen. so, what if he ends up being less spiritual than you are? ugh. i would want both  of us to be deep in the ocean of Jesus. both heaven minded. sometimes certain people and situations make me feel like i'm 'too spiritual', like i'm taking Jesus too serious, too personal. but of course, i believe in Him as my personal savior, so yeah, it's supposed to get pesonal. so i know those voices can't be from God. He actually wants us to need Him and long for Him so much. i need Him so much cause my heart has the tendency to easily mess up when there's no Him in my veins. so i am believing the truth that whoever my fine, ;) Godly man is gonna be, God will help him to keep growing in Him, like He's doing with me.

 "since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. set your minds on things above, not on earthly things." colossians 3:1-2

"as the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, o God. my soul thirsts for God, for the living God. when can i go and meet with God? psalm 42:1-2

writing. i've kinda abandoned my creative writing for a while now. the poems, the stories- these. they make me feel alive. i read a number of my poems couple of weeks ago and i was like, i wrote this?! it was like i had forgotten how deep i could get with my writing, how God could fill me with inspiration and words. i have to go back to that. i need to. going blank isn't even the thing, it's procrastination! that sucker! i've been journaling and 'blog writing' but that's not all i should be doing with this gift i've been given, the gift i would have to make an account for someday before the Giver of the gift. and i don't necessarily have to figure publishing out before i write. i. just need. to. keep. writing. i don't ever want to end up being the wicked and slothful guy in the parable of the talents- matthew 25:14-30

"each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God's grace in its various forms." 1 peter 4:10

so, when it comes to what the scriptures say, i'm good at remembering them. but when it comes to the verses? i'm terrible! it shows i must get intentional about memorizing the verses. back to the basics. sometimes i have an internal argument with myself and say well it's not necessarily about how well i memorize scripture, but how well i follow and obey them. then i'll go like but if i don't memorize a good number of them and i happen to be witnessing to someone, it'll be very essential that i do know the verses. for example, i can't be witnessing and say to the person, well, somewhere in the Bible, God says, do not be unequally yoked. i have to present the Word with clarity and offer verses to the person so he/she can read them up. i've settled on this-a good ambassador of Christ should know both the verse numbers and the Word, and obey them as well. with time and the Holy Spirit, my verses decay will clear. :)

"i have hidden Your word in my heart that i might not sin against You." psalm 119:11

yesterday, i intended to blog about how grumpy i was feeling towards God cause i have so many questions and little answers. pictures of the future, with little detail. the gray weather matched my mood. i was going to write about how i've been following the story in jeremiah and question why God kept giving the children of israel {who were so, so stubborn} details about their future, like specific years and details, but i didn't. i almost wrote about how maybe, just maybe my sitation is more like joseph's, and that with time the picture will be clear, the promises will be fulfilled. i almost wrote about all these yesterday in detail. i almost did. but God, oh! He met me right in the middle of the pouring rain during my lunch break and spoke some powerful words to me. i grumpily talked to Him in the morning, asking with a downcast heart why He wasn't giving me details. like i didn't even pray for the people i often pray for. it was a short just-give-me-some-answers-already, and a quickly added please-protect-me-during-the-day kinda prayer. i was simply not in the mood to spend my usual time with Him. i was feeling tired of waiting, waiting, waiting for answers and directions that i need for crucial decisions soon. but, He showed up, He spoke to my heart, gave me some more pictures of the destination and gave some guidelines. He also encouraged me through the amazing, jaw-dropping testimony of a long-time-no-see friend who i 'coincidentally' met about five minutes after He spoke to me. He is faithful!

reflections. last year by now, i was in south africa on a missions trip, praying and living the Word out. i was getting ready to go to swaziland with some of the team members for a weekend youth camp. it was bitter cold.{when it's generally summertime, it's actually winter in SA.} i caught a fever + a horrible headache. i threw up a couple of times. yuck. i was sick. oh, but He healed, He strengthened. He is my healer. i marvel at how He provided the funds for the trip, when it looked like it wasn't gonna happen. but it did happen. He provides! and i had to share with the world what i had seen, and what He did in that land and what He'll continue to do. brooke fraser's albertine comes to mind on this reflection. 

now that i have seen, i am responsible. faith without deeds is dead. now that i have held you in my own arms, i cannot let go until you are. i will tell the world, i will tell them where i've been. i will keep my word, i will tell them, albertine. {the video says a lot! i hope you watch it}

"what good is it, my brothers and sisters, if someone claims to have faith but has no deeds? can such faith save them? suppose a brother or a sister is without clothes and daily food. if one of you says to them, "go in peace, keep warm and well fed," but does nothing about their physical needs, what good is it? in the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead." james 2:14-17

xoxo,

 delali.

linking up here.

music monday// i refuse

hi guys! music tiiiime! :) 

there are times when it's so hard for me to actually do what i know Christ has called me to do. i feel kind of numb. and numb is never a good thing. i can get so wrapped up in my own little world that i ignore to give the smile, the kind word, the helping hand, the seed i know i should give. i kinda forget i'm the salt and light of the world. and although it's ok for the salt and light to have issues, {i'm still human. i feel, i hurt}, i forget that i shouldn't let the issues take over and shroud the Light within me. this song is real and full of truth and speaks to my tendency to activate numbmode. 

via

i don't want to shrug off the tiny hands that reach out for help. and if i have nothing to offer, i can give my smile. {but thing is, the more you smile, the more they cling to you, not wanting to let go. sometimes it's a real struggle for me to be nice all the time. i'm so guilty of not caring sometimes, i'm smack embarrassed about it. but that's what the Word is supposed to do right? to convict you and call you to action.

 thing is, i want to give, but i want to make sure what i give directly benefits the kids, not the healthy looking adults who sit by and make them ask for alms on the streets. it annnoys me that they sit back, relaxed in a shade and 'use' their kids when they could take up odd jobs to make something for themselves. welp, the plan for now is to give these kids something edible that would go to their rumbling bellies.}

 here goes...

i refuse ~ josh wilson

sometimes, i just want to close my eyes and act like everyone's alright when no, they're not.

this world needs God, but it's easier to stand and watch.

i could say a prayer and just move on like nothing's wrong. but i refuse.

cause i don't wanna live like i don't care, i don't wanna say another empty prayer

oh, i refuse to sit around and wait for someone else to do what God has called me to do myself

oh, i could choose not to move but i refuse.

i can hear the least of these crying out so desperately

and i know we are the hands and feet of You, oh God.

so if You say move, it's time for me to follow through

and do what i was made to do and show them who You are.

...but i refuse to stand and watch the weary and lost cry out for help

i refuse to turn my back and try and act like all is well

i refuse to stay unchanged to wait another day to die to myself

i refuse to make one more excuse.

"the King will reply, 'truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.' "then He will say to those on His left, 'depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. for when I was hungry you gave me nothing to eat, i was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, i needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me.' matthew 25:40-41

this song convicts me all the time, and i hope it does the same for you too. i pray it moves you to action to love, to proclaim the Gospel, to care. even when it hurts.

we've been called for important purposes.

xoxo

delali.

who you are

a few weeks ago, a friend shared a video with me. i watched and listened, and my breath was taken away! it's a message all women need to know and be reminded of. i've been mulling over the words, allowing them to sink in into the deepest, darkest corners of my mind and soul. it's really powerful, and i just have to share. it's one of those words you need when you're slipping into despair and the fog of the world rudely attempts to fade out your real and true identity. it says...

you are beautiful, you are smart, you are funny, you are kind, you are unique. you are worthy of love and affection. you are never too much and you are always enough. you are precious. you are a diamond, a rose, a pearl, the most stunning of all God's creation. 

via

you are worth more than you could ever imagine. worth more than the numbers on the scale, or the hair products you use, or the shoes you wear. more than how many girls wish they were you or how many guys wish they had you.

 more than the price tags on your clothes or the percentage on top of your maths test or even the number of followers you have on twitter. your worth surpasses all earthly things because in the eyes of the Lord God, you are loved and you are worth dying for.

 regardless of who you think you are, whether you model in a magazine or you model pottery with grandma. whether you're on the hot list or the not list, whether you are head cheerleader or a high school drop out, whether you're miss popular or you've never had anyone you could call a friend.

 whether you love yourself and love your life or you can't stand to look in the mirror and you feel as if everything in your life is falling apart, whether you're such a winner or you feel like the world's biggest failure. 

regardless of who you think you are, the reality is that you deserve someone who will give up their life for you because you are powerful, and strong, and capable.

 read about the women in the Bible: esther, ruth, martha, mary- these women changed the world for ever, and inside of you, each and every one of you is a woman with that same power, and that same strength, and that same world changing capability. and your responsibility is to find that woman and to set that woman free. this. is. who. you. are! 

and any voices in your mind that try and tell you differently are from the enemy. and the next time you hear them, this is what you say, you say, "nah-uh, not me satan, i am a daughter of the living God, cherished, loved, and adored above all things, by the Creator of all things, for the glory of Him who is greater than all things. i. am. awesome." and please, don't you forget it.

the video is part of the anima series on youtube. {anima in latin means soul or spirit.} and of course, it's become my new favorite youtube channel. :) so.much.inspiration! from poetry, spoken word, music, testimonies...the channel is bursting out the seams with love, creativity and sunshine. ;) you gotta subscribe. i'm so glad there are guys out there who believe in the true identity of ladies, and are bold to encourage and cheer us on.

                            much love, ladies! you are awesome!

xoxo

delali.

music monday// oceans

it's mondayyy! let's have some music that speaks to our souls. :)

there are times and seasons when God asks us to make some choices, changes, moves, and we become really scared of the unknown. i'm right there in one of those seasons. as much as i would want to have things go my way and be 'safe' and 'comfortable', God is just like, no, no, no. I need you to be here in this for a purpose, Gen. it's going to be tough, but you will overcome, just trust Me. you need to pass this test and grow in Me. I'm refining and pruning you, you'll be fine if you keep your eyes on Me. 

via

and i know it's wise for me to listen to Him and obey, although it's not as easy as i want things to be. i trust that He's not allowing me to go through this season because He disdainfully wants me to suffer, no. i believe He's got a lot to teach me with all of what's going on with me, and i will overcome with Him guiding my steps. i will survive this and leave people wondering how i did it. i'm in a process of refinement. :) 

and He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness." therefore, most gladly i will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 2 Corinthians 12:9

i love oceans. it reminds me that grace {unmerited favor} is available for me when i'm faced with uncertainties, doubts, fear. it reminds me that God's grace makes me strong when i'm weak and feel super fragile for this big, uncertain world. 

oceans (where feet may fail) ~ hillsong united

You call me out upon the waters, the great unknown where feet may fail

and there, i find You in the mystery, in oceans deep, my faith will stand

and i will call upon Your name and keep my eyes above the waves

when oceans rise my soul will rest in Your embrace, for i am Yours, and You are mine.

Your grace abounds in deepest waters, Your sovereign hand will be my guide

where feet may fail and fear surrounds me, You've never failed and You won't start now.

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders,

let me walk upon the waters wherever You would call me

take me deeper than my feet could ever wander

and my faith will be made stronger in the presence of my Savior.

"Lord, if it's You," peter replied, "tell me to walk on the water." "come," He said. then peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came towards Jesus. but when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, he cried out, "Lord, save me!" immediately Jesus reached out His hand and caught him. "you of little faith," He said, "why did you doubt?" matthew 14:28-31

enjoy your day. :)

xoxo

delali.

that time i didn't share Jesus

He was sitting by me. I gave my fare to the bus conductor first, he did second. It was the same denomination. The bus conductor handed out change which should go to me cos duh, I paid first. That’s how it’s supposed to be. I stretched my arm for it, but he insisted I give it to the guy sitting by me who paid second- {he looks and sounds lebanese.} I wear a perplexed look and say “but I gave you 5 cedis too.” (in local dialect) He said yes, but I should give it to the guy (‘mr. Lebanese.’) I was more perplexed and close to annoyance.

via

I can’t help but think, is it cos he’s cream colored? The way he insisted…hm. I get my change next.

Mr. Lebanese turned to look at me and asked why I’m angry. I tried hard not to roll my eyes and answered with, “I’m not angry” but clearly my face had a sour look lingering around.

He used this as a chance to make small talk. I’m kinda mad about the whole change thing and you try to make small talk with me? Small talk. Ugh.

“where’re you going? Work?” he said.

“yeah, I’m going to work.” I respond.

“where do you work?”

“uni. of ghana.”

“what do you study?”

“I work there.”

“what do you do?”

“admin”

“do you (the uni.) do ielts/toefl?”

“no”

“do you do English programs?”

“yes”

“how much is it for that?”

“I’m not sure. I could give you the website so you check yourself.” I’m ready to mention the address but dude doesn’t look like he wants to type it into his phone, which displayed the Arabic text he had been reading. Hints possible moslem. To find a way to bring up Jesus or not to? Hm.

“can you check for me the cost so you let me know?” he said.

“no, I can’t. you can check the website yourself.”

“can you give me your number?”

“no”

“can I give you my number so you check and tell me?”

“no” at this point I was thinking, obviously you’re just hitting on me. You don’t really want to study English, c’mon. I’m not naïve. You want my number for more than ‘cost for English programs’ reasons that I’m not interested in.

“why no?” he probed. ‘When does this convo end?’, is all I’m thinking.

“you can check yourself if you want to,” I insisted.

“I don’t know how to use a computer.”

I tried reallyyy hard not to roll my eyes and replied “well, you can let someone else check for you.”

“why can’t you?”

“I can’t”

“I’ll give you money”

“no” sorry, you can’t buy every girl’s attention with your money

“ei!” an exclamation suggesting frustration

Dude got tired of playing around the bush and went for the direct approach.

“my name’s Kasiri” i’m not sure I heard right but yeah, sounds something like that. “what’s your name?”

“Gen”

“Jane?”

“yeah” I don’t try to correct him cos, urm, this convo’s got to end. Not to mention all the other commuters listening in. awkward. Just wishing he’ll get off the bus soon.

“I’m 24 yrs. How old are you?”

With a really confused look now, I responded, dragging my answer “whhyyyy?”

Dude couldn’t give an answer. I think I left him baffled with a bruised ego. thankfully his junction was close and he got off without a word. I sighed from relief. Weirdness over.

Jesus, I couldn’t share you with this guy who really needs you and doesn’t even know it. I’m sorry, but I’ll be praying for him. That’s also okay, right? I thought to myself as I sat in the bus.

As I look back on this encounter I had last week, I realize maybe my responses should have been less colder even though I was still not going to give him my no., and maybe I shouldn’t have let the change thing get to me as it did. I could have innocently given him the no. with empathetic thoughts that he probably really needed my help with the info for the English programs. But, he doesn’t know how to use a pc?! C’mon! dude was using a smartphone. smh

well, I could have chosen to look past his seeming lie and be in touch. But while my intention will be geared towards friendship evangelism, his mission will clearly be a carnal pursuit of me. and I just couldn’t let that latter part be. I don’t have time for that.

via

I love to share the love of Jesus, but in some situations, it’s for my good that I redraw and pray for the person instead. and this was one of those situations. And I know God understands, i pray He does.

And as I pray for him, I’ll pray for myself, that I learn how to respond like Jesus would when people treat me as if I’m lesser than or a piece of meat, because I know I’m so worthy in the eyes of the King of the universe. and His opinion is what truly matters. I need to let this sink in and show more grace to people when they step on my toes.

via

we all inherit this fate and Love is the only way ~nature by taylor holder

Was there a time you chose not to talk about Jesus for some reason?
xoxo

delali.