something changed

It was one evening in December a couple of years back. I knelt by my bed, poured out my heart to the designer of my soul. I cried for my mistakes, the times I knowingly broke His heart. I surrendered for real. I rejoiced. I felt peace.

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You see, the testimony of the guy in church that evening had done something. The power of God in his story reaffirmed my faith in Him and made me open my mouth and really have a heart-to-heart talk with God. It was time to let go of the parts of me that was still clutching to reason and logic. It was time to dive fully, and wholly into this active, lively thing called faith.

I had confessed with my mouth and believed in my heart a long time ago when I was just a little girl. But lukewarm took hold of me and sadly it wasn’t cutting it, it wasn’t bringing that soul awakening I needed.

“So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth.” Revelations 3:16

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I took a step to get plugged into a biblically sound church at the start of fall couple of years ago. and over hundred days prior to the day I caved in and really surrendered, something began to change. see, I was nursing a wounded heart, not totally broken, but wounded still. I was getting over a huge crush that was not going to end up into anything no matter how bad I wanted it to. It wasn’t what God would want for me anyway. Oh, but how I hid it perfectly! or so I thought. Cos obviously God knew, He saw my heart aching and placed a strong desire within to seek Him to fill the void, and not a human. At the time, I didn’t really realize I was hiding the hurt, but it’s all so clear now.

Too many things were competing over my heart and i needed to focus already! I didn’t do a good job of guarding my heart. How could I when I wasn’t intentionally following the lead of the Master? when I wasn’t truly trusting Him? when I spoke and sang about Him but yet some of my actions were wayyy out of line? It was like, God, I love you but I don’t really trust you with certain aspects of my life cos you seem to be really slow sometimes so I’m going to control those parts myself.

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But God who knows better and sees farther than I do, lovingly steered me towards the right route after I got burned from wanting to do it my way. Sure, I was a good girl, but I couldn’t say the same about intentional godliness. I liked to read my bible and pray in my room and be good. Not necessarily godly with all my actions. The catholic community I grew up in wasn’t working for me. I cut church out for a while instead of seeking one that will help nurture my soul. Oh well, but I went every now and then whenever a friend invited me to a biblically sound church. but I didn’t stay cos I was still too comfortable to awaken and grow like I should. + it didn’t quite feel like where I should let my roots grow down deep.

“ I urge you, brothers and sisters, to watch out for those who cause divisions and put obstacles in your way that are contrary to the teaching you have learned. Keep away from them.” Romans 16:17

In the span of my life, i had dedicated myself a handful of times to God but I always felt too comfortable as a baby in God to actually grow. Like which serious Christian would be part of a club in college that organizes parties where alcohol and profane music abound?! Funny thing though is, I never made an appearance at those parties myself. Partying was/is not my thing. I was more into the magazine side of the club, but still I’d hand out fliers advertising the parties. (I was so lame, I know) I was just not consciously bringing Jesus into all of me, my hobbies and entertainment; the songs, the movies, the books, the crowd around me.

“as newborn babes, desire the pure milk of the word, that you may grow thereby, if indeed you have tasted that the Lord is gracious.” 1 peter 2:2-3

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And while the summer of two years back was fun, it was wounding too, in a way that left you staring at the door when it’s shut real hard right in your face. I got too attached when I shouldn’t have. And maybe I needed that wound like cold water poured over me in bed, to rouse, to wake up! and find that I am cherished and loved regardless of who left.  And thankfully, I did rouse. Gradually, I felt the strong tugging of God on my heart. Staggeringly, I found my way to His house, decided to embrace the fellowship I badly needed, and fixed my feet in His Word.

“Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.” John 14:6

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I became aware of how far off the bend I had gone and began a hot pursuit of the only one who’s capable of saving me from myself and my weaknesses. Jesus. The one who loves me unconditionally, accepts me as I am, and all the while encouraging me to grow and thrive in Him. It seems like it’s when we fall apart that we find Him, right? I think He needed me to acknowledge the crack within me and allow His light to get in and begin the healing process. And boy, was I glad to admit I needed His touch and longed for His presence!

Am I some perfect girl now? Absolutely not! I’m still just a girl, but one who has firmly grounded herself in her true identity, the daughter of the King, who is loved and forgiven immeasurably. The girl who isn’t intentionally abusing the grace of God and who lives like she has been redeemed at a costly price. I still make some mistakes but I’ve refused to live in an unbroken pattern of sin.

“For to be carnally minded is death, but to be spiritually minded is life and peace.” Romans 8:6

"Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus." philippians 3:13-14

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Something changed inside that night. a shift in the spirit. and I am oh, so thankful!

this song by sara groves holds my sentiments.

(sorry for turning this into a long essay, but I needed to share :)

xoxo

delali.

linking up here

New Year, New You?

So it’s a new year ...again and most of us have decided on some changes that need to be made in our lives. These changes could be in the area of how we are, our attitudes, our spiritual lives, careers, education, relationships, health and the list goes on. We’re all determined to make the best out of this New Year and that’s a good thing.

Some map out things that are attainable within their capacities while some people get so carried away with all the excitement and make over the top goals that do not look close to reality. It’s good to make changes and want to be better. And yet some don’t even make an attempt to set goals for the year because they have this mentality that people never really change and that’s a rather sad and pessimistic way of thinking because change, and I mean good change does really happen. With such mentality such people find it difficult to embrace anything good because their minds are in this dark, gloomy place and their attitude can unfortunately dim the hopes of others who genuinely want to change for the better. To the cynics and pessimists out there, stop believing and spreading that lie that people can't change, because they do change by the grace and help of God.

A new year does not mean you automatically transform into this whole new person in a blink of an eye or achieve all these things you want in the year without any hitches here and there. No, that’s some fantasy. In fact for the new year I didn’t get me a new hairdo or some new look. I look like the same ol’ me but I have a renewed mind. Moreover, the only sure time we will change in a twinkling of an eye is at the sound of the trumpet. 1 Corinthians 15:51,52. So till then let’s keep working on sticking to our plans for that change that we so desire because change can happen when we are deliberate and conscious about it.

A new year gives all humanity a whole new slate to write on, it’s a chance to somehow get it right this time. Change can be a gradual and stressful process and needs utmost commitment. We shouldn’t expect any of our plans to see fruition when we’re still so lazy, making excuses and keep postponing things we ought to do.

We start the year with so much energy and enthusiasm but as the days slowly pass by, that fire and passion slowly dies out. You may be wondering why. Well have you spoken with God about the plans you have? And what did He say? God speaks to us through His Word. 2 Peter 1:3 says “His divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of him who called us to his own glory and excellence.”  So are your plans for the year in accordance with the Bible? Are they godly plans or a bunch of selfish, ungodly goals? God put us on this earth for specific purposes so we must seek Him and be sure what we plan is endorsed by Him. “For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.” Ephesians 2:10

We must not lose that passion we commence the year with. We must keep it burning anew each day. A vision board might as well help you focus on these plans. Here's my vision board for the year.

I don’t want to be getting mad all the time so I write boldly “SLOW TO ANGER”. Also, I want to learn how to drive this year (I know, I’m such a late bloomer, lol better late than never.) So in view of that, I put an image of a car on my vision board. I've also decided to write and blog more often this year in working towards being a professional writer soon so I put there “Writer”. Seeing these visual representations of my goals helps me remember what I need to be doing. If you’ve not yet come up with any goals, do some soul searching and find what you really need to do this year. It’s not too late, you can create your own vision board too, plus we’re only a week into the New Year. :-)

We must continually pray about our goals throughout the year and ask God for the strength to stay on track. We must be patient in Christ for all that we pray for. “Yet those who wait for the LORD will gain new strength; They will mount up with wings like eagles, They will run and not get tired, They will walk and not become weary.” Isaiah 40:31 Lets not try to do it all by our strengths but rather put all our hope, dreams and goals in the Lord.

Don’t be like Nahor who didn’t even start the journey to Canaan by being all pessimistic about change. Don’t be like Terah who stopped midway in the journey because he got into a comfortable zone. Don’t be like Lot who strayed from the right path because the beauty of the Jordan valley caught his eye when they were so close to stepping into Canaan that he decided to settle in Sodom where there were wicked men and great sinners. But rather be steadfast to your goals like Abram (later Abraham) who obeyed God and stayed committed to the journey and in return God was faithful and gave all that land to he and his descendants. Genesis verse 11:31,32; verses 12 and 13.

We must not expect God to turn our lives around when we fail to do our part. He’s ever willing to help you but are you willing to sacrifice time to help you? Are you going to stay new throughout the New Year?

Jesus loves you for real. xxx

Delali.