something changed

It was one evening in December a couple of years back. I knelt by my bed, poured out my heart to the designer of my soul. I cried for my mistakes, the times I knowingly broke His heart. I surrendered for real. I rejoiced. I felt peace.

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You see, the testimony of the guy in church that evening had done something. The power of God in his story reaffirmed my faith in Him and made me open my mouth and really have a heart-to-heart talk with God. It was time to let go of the parts of me that was still clutching to reason and logic. It was time to dive fully, and wholly into this active, lively thing called faith.

I had confessed with my mouth and believed in my heart a long time ago when I was just a little girl. But lukewarm took hold of me and sadly it wasn’t cutting it, it wasn’t bringing that soul awakening I needed.

“So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth.” Revelations 3:16

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I took a step to get plugged into a biblically sound church at the start of fall couple of years ago. and over hundred days prior to the day I caved in and really surrendered, something began to change. see, I was nursing a wounded heart, not totally broken, but wounded still. I was getting over a huge crush that was not going to end up into anything no matter how bad I wanted it to. It wasn’t what God would want for me anyway. Oh, but how I hid it perfectly! or so I thought. Cos obviously God knew, He saw my heart aching and placed a strong desire within to seek Him to fill the void, and not a human. At the time, I didn’t really realize I was hiding the hurt, but it’s all so clear now.

Too many things were competing over my heart and i needed to focus already! I didn’t do a good job of guarding my heart. How could I when I wasn’t intentionally following the lead of the Master? when I wasn’t truly trusting Him? when I spoke and sang about Him but yet some of my actions were wayyy out of line? It was like, God, I love you but I don’t really trust you with certain aspects of my life cos you seem to be really slow sometimes so I’m going to control those parts myself.

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But God who knows better and sees farther than I do, lovingly steered me towards the right route after I got burned from wanting to do it my way. Sure, I was a good girl, but I couldn’t say the same about intentional godliness. I liked to read my bible and pray in my room and be good. Not necessarily godly with all my actions. The catholic community I grew up in wasn’t working for me. I cut church out for a while instead of seeking one that will help nurture my soul. Oh well, but I went every now and then whenever a friend invited me to a biblically sound church. but I didn’t stay cos I was still too comfortable to awaken and grow like I should. + it didn’t quite feel like where I should let my roots grow down deep.

“ I urge you, brothers and sisters, to watch out for those who cause divisions and put obstacles in your way that are contrary to the teaching you have learned. Keep away from them.” Romans 16:17

In the span of my life, i had dedicated myself a handful of times to God but I always felt too comfortable as a baby in God to actually grow. Like which serious Christian would be part of a club in college that organizes parties where alcohol and profane music abound?! Funny thing though is, I never made an appearance at those parties myself. Partying was/is not my thing. I was more into the magazine side of the club, but still I’d hand out fliers advertising the parties. (I was so lame, I know) I was just not consciously bringing Jesus into all of me, my hobbies and entertainment; the songs, the movies, the books, the crowd around me.

“as newborn babes, desire the pure milk of the word, that you may grow thereby, if indeed you have tasted that the Lord is gracious.” 1 peter 2:2-3

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And while the summer of two years back was fun, it was wounding too, in a way that left you staring at the door when it’s shut real hard right in your face. I got too attached when I shouldn’t have. And maybe I needed that wound like cold water poured over me in bed, to rouse, to wake up! and find that I am cherished and loved regardless of who left.  And thankfully, I did rouse. Gradually, I felt the strong tugging of God on my heart. Staggeringly, I found my way to His house, decided to embrace the fellowship I badly needed, and fixed my feet in His Word.

“Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.” John 14:6

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I became aware of how far off the bend I had gone and began a hot pursuit of the only one who’s capable of saving me from myself and my weaknesses. Jesus. The one who loves me unconditionally, accepts me as I am, and all the while encouraging me to grow and thrive in Him. It seems like it’s when we fall apart that we find Him, right? I think He needed me to acknowledge the crack within me and allow His light to get in and begin the healing process. And boy, was I glad to admit I needed His touch and longed for His presence!

Am I some perfect girl now? Absolutely not! I’m still just a girl, but one who has firmly grounded herself in her true identity, the daughter of the King, who is loved and forgiven immeasurably. The girl who isn’t intentionally abusing the grace of God and who lives like she has been redeemed at a costly price. I still make some mistakes but I’ve refused to live in an unbroken pattern of sin.

“For to be carnally minded is death, but to be spiritually minded is life and peace.” Romans 8:6

"Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus." philippians 3:13-14

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Something changed inside that night. a shift in the spirit. and I am oh, so thankful!

this song by sara groves holds my sentiments.

(sorry for turning this into a long essay, but I needed to share :)

xoxo

delali.

linking up here

A good kind of change

Exactly a year ago was when my passion for following Christ ignited. Well, before that I was Christian, but an average one at that. I wasn’t really growing like I should until I decided to really get serious with God. I mostly grew up Catholic and church was more of a ritual thing than a hunger for the Word or for fellowship. Honestly, I barely went to church when I was a teenager. Sometimes in a year, I went like four or five times in total, including the popular Christmas/New years eve services when the “prodigals” made sure not to miss. Lol But don’t judge me yet.

                                                                           

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After senior high school, the Catholic church wasn’t however satisfying my hunger for Christ and as I grew up, I began to question some of the doctrines of the Catholic church. Let’s just say I couldn’t trace some of it’s teachings in the Bible and that wasn’t cool with me. At all. So, I kinda wasn’t going to church at all. I convinced myself that it was ok to stay home on a Sunday morning and read my Bible, pray and listen/watch a couple of preaching on the radio/TV. Wrong. I was just not interested in church and came up with a thousand excuses for not going. A funny but not so funny excuse was that I didn’t have enough church clothing. And I would go like ‘I don’t really go to church but I’m still a good person, so what’s the big deal?’ In the early part of Uni, I would go sometimes when a friend invites me anyway but I preferred my ‘solo church’ in my room. Yeah, I was that kind of person. My two man church (me and the preacher on the radio/TV) worked for me just fine, or so I thought. No commitment, no drama with church people. Great. I was wrong.

Fast forward to the start of my final year in Uni. Before I went to school for my final year, I went for a program at my current church. It’s a yearly thing the church runs, called the Singles Summit. I heard of it all the time but I never bothered to go. So last year August, I don’t know how I stuck with the plan to go, but I ended up going. And I’m thankful I did. Oh, the wisdom I gained! Ok, back to my story. So after that, I was hooked! I told myself I was going to fellowship there. And I still do till today, since last September. The reason being that the teaching is Biblical. It’s convicting. Not watered down. My church is really helping me grow, honestly. And by some divine ‘coincidence,’ a year later, I’m now a steward in church. (I began this month!) *happy dance* It’s such a humbling thing to serve in God’s house. I’m learning to embrace all the beautiful changes God Himself is bringing into my life, including the responsibilities and sacrifices that come with serving Him. I’m very thankful to God. He has a way of making things better. Way better.

“So those who received his word were baptized, and there were added that day about three thousand souls. And they devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching and fellowship, to the breaking of bread and prayers.” Acts 2:41,42

 I totally love my new, (urm, not so new now) church. I’m warming up to the importance of fellowship these days. And I’ve learnt that although listening to preaching on the radio is not bad, it shouldn’t replace the time set for fellowship, like on a Sunday morning. It should be more like a supplement. I’m learning. I’m growing up. And I pray I continue that way. I mean that’s what life is about right? Growing, improving, repenting and moving on.

“And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.” Hebrews 10:24,25

So, my point for this important rant? It’s essential to fellowship with a church whose teaching is firmly built on and traceable to the Word of God. Yeah, no funny business allowed, no people-pleasing teachings. The teachings should help you improve and be more like Christ. It should help you discover the purpose God created you and passionately pursue that purpose for the greatness of His kingdom. And we basically need fellowship to encourage us and to stay accountable to one another. 

I pray you don’t waste anymore time in making up your mind about going to church,(the right kind) and not just going, but being changed by the Word too.

Good change is waiting for you. xoxo

Delali.