a cleansed past: the room

hi guys! i would like to share a dream. not one of my own but one that deeply moved me and has been embedded deep in my brain ever since i got to know of it. remember how i was reading i kissed dating goodbye? i finished up last weekend and got to start when dreams come true by eric and leslie ludy & finished that up yesterday- but that book is for another post to gush over. ;) 

back to the dream- joshua harris shared a poignant dream he had some time ago while visiting a pastor in peurto rico in his book i kissed dating goodbye and i can't help but share it. here goes...

maybe you've blown it. maybe you reflect on past actions and wince with remorse. purity seems like a lost cause. this dream, called "the room," is dedicated to you.

via

in that place between wakefulness and dreams, i found myself in the room. there were no distinguishing features save for the one wall covered with small index-card files. they were like the ones in libraries that list titles by author or subject in alphabetical order. but these files, which stretched from floor to ceiling and seemingly endless in either direction, had very different headings. as i drew near the wall of files, the first to catch my attention was one that read "girls i have liked." i opened it and began flipping through the cards. i quickly shut it, shocked to realize that i recognized the names written on each one.

and then without being told, i knew exactly where i was. this lifeless room with its small files was a crude catalog system for my life. here were written the actions of my every moment, big and small, in a detail my memory couldn't match.

a sense of wonder and curiosity, coupled with horror, stirred within me as i began randomly opening files and exploring their contents. some brought joy and sweet memories, others a sense of shame and regret so intense that i would look over my shoulder to see if anyone was watching. a file named "friends" was next to one marked "friends i have betrayed."

the titles ranged from the mundane to the outright weird. "books i have read," "lies i have told," "comfort i have given," "jokes i have laughed at." some were almost hilarious in their exactness: "things i've yelled at my brothers." others i couldn't laugh at: "things i have done in anger," "things i have muttered under my breath at my parents." i never ceased to be surprised by the contents. often there were many more cards than i expected. sometimes there were fewer than i hoped.

i was overwhelmed by the sheer volume of the life i had lived. could it be possible that i had the time in my twenty years to write each of these thousands, possibly millions, of cards? but each card confirmed this truth.
each was written in my own handwriting. each signed with my signature.

when i pulled out the file marked "songs i have listened to," i realized the files grew to contain their contents. the cards were packed tightly, and yet after two or three yards, i hadn't found the end of the file. i shut it, shamed, not so much by the quality of music, but more by the vast amount of time i knew that file represented.

when i came to a file marked "lustful thought," i felt a chill run through my body. i pulled the file out only an inch, not willing to test its size, and drew out a card. i shuddered at its detailed contents. i felt sick to think that such a moment had been recorded.

suddenly i felt an almost animal rage. one thought dominated my mind: "no one must ever see these cards! no one must ever see this room! i have to destroy them!" in an insane frenzy i yanked the file out. its size didn't matter now. i had to empty it and burn the cards. but as i took the file at one end and began pounding it on the floor, i could not dislodge a single card. i became desperate and pulled out a card, only to find it as strong as steel when i tried to tear it.

defeated and utterly helpless, i returned the file to its slot. leaning my forehead against the wall, i let out a long, self-pitying sigh. and then i saw it. the title bore "people i have shared the Gospel with." the handle was brighter than those around it, newer, almost unused. i pulled on its handle and a small box not more than three inches long fell into my hands. i could count the cards it contained on one hand.

and then the tears came. i began to weep. sobs so deep that they hurt started in my stomach and shook through me. i fell on my knees and cried. i cried out of shame, from the overwhelming shame of it all. the rows of file shelves swirled in my tear-filled eyes. no one must ever, ever know of this room. i must lock it up and hide the key.

but then as i pushed away the tears, i saw Him. no, please not Him. not here. oh, anyone but Jesus.

i watched helplessly as He began to open the files and read the cards. i couldn't bear to watch His response. and in the moments i could bring myself to look at His face, i saw a sorrow deeper than my own. He seemed to intuitively go to the worst boxes. why did He have to read every one?

finally He turned and looked at me from across the room. He looked at me with pity in His eyes. but this was a pity that didn't anger me. i dropped my head, covered my face with my hands and began to cry again. He walked over and put His arm around me. He could have said so many things. but He didn't say a word. He just cried with me.

then He got up and walked back to the wall of files. starting at one end of the room, He took out the file and, one by one, began to sign His name over mine on each card.

"no!" i shouted, rushing to Him. all i could find to say was "no, no," as i pulled the card from Him. His name shouldn't be on these cards. but there it was, written in red so rich, so dark, so alive. the name of Jesus covered mine. it was written with His blood.

He gently took the card back. He smiled a sad smile and continued to sign the cards. i don't think i'll ever understand how He did it so quickly, but the next instant it seemed i heard Him close the last file and walk back to my side. He placed His hand on my shoulder and said, "it is finished,"

i stood up, and He led me out of the room. there was no lock on its door. there were still cards to be written.

"so let us put aside the deeds of darkness and put on the armor of light. let us behave decently, as in the daytime, not in dissension and jealousy. rather, clothe yourselves with the Lord Jesus Christ, and do not think about how to gratify the desires of the sinful nature." romans 13:12-14

***

joshua continues...

maybe you have a particular memory that continues to hound you, a memory that makes you feel unworthy of God's love and forgiveness. don't let the past beat you up. forget it. don't replay that moment or any others like it. if you've repented of all those behaviours, God has promised to remember them no more ["for I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more." hebrews 8:12]. move on. a lifetime of purity awaits you.

***

i believe God gives us dreams to show or reveal certain insights we don't know of or certain spiritual mysteries. i don't know if the room and the files joshua saw in his dream are exactly as the records system in Heaven concerning our activities down here on earth. but what i do know is, God does take notice of every single thing we do. He knows our every move and thought.

"Your eyes saw my unformed body, all the days ordained for me were written in Your book before one of them came to be." psalm 139:16

via

 Jesus sacrificed His life while mankind was in sin in order to reconcile us back to our Father. and when we truly believe and surrender to God, our past sins are washed white as snow and the purity of Jesus clothes us. 

"He does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities. for as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is His love for those who fear Him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us. as a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear Him." psalm 103:10-13

via

have you messed up? i've made mistakes too. hush, it's okay. ask for forgiveness from God, your Creator and Redeemer. surrender your whole heart to Him and start the journey of purity with Him right by your side. let's finish the race clothed in purity. :)

xoxo, gen delali.

linking up here and here.