For the single ladies...and men too!

Today, I would like to share some great insight I picked up from the singles’ summit my church hosted last month. Trust me, it’s that good. Here goes...

So, as a single, before you go about focusing on a potential spouse’s strengths and weaknesses, you need to answer a question: if you found someone exactly like you, would you marry that person? If the person has the same beliefs, habits, likes/dislikes, quirks, passions, flaws as you... would you marry the person?

Thing is, you need to be miss/mr. right. You need to be Godly yourself before asking God for a Godly partner. The journey starts with you. Develop yourself first. Becoming a Godly person is a process, not an event. You develop yourself for life, not just marriage. Truth be told, marriage isn’t everything. Marriage isn’t a destination. It’s not an end in itself. It’s the beginning of another phase in your life.

In developing yourself, there are three important relationships you need to pay attention to:

·         The vertical relationship: this represents your personal relationship with God. You need to develop a strong passion for God. “Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the law?” And He said to him, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. Matthew 22:36 Ask yourself, “What am I ready to sacrifice for God?” Fall in love with God’s Word and obey it. Let the Word of God affect your personal life. (Joshua 1:8, 1 Peter 2:2, Psalm 119:11)

·         The horizontal relationship: this represents your personal relationship with other people. You need to learn how to relate with others, how to love people (yes, including the ‘not-so-lovables.’) “Beloved, let us love one another; for love is of God, and he who loves is born of God and knows God. He who does not love does not know God; for God is love.” 1 John 4: 7-8 Develop a social life (Lord knows I need to. Lol I barely hang out with friends lately), surround yourself with Godly friends and be hospitable. Have good clean fun. (Proverbs 18:24, Ecclesiastes 11:9) Some things you can do socially with friends are; eat out at a restaurant, have a cookout, go watch a good movie, take a tour/trip. You’ve got to relate positively with the opposite sex without having sex with them, kissing/touching them. (1 Timothy 5:1-2) You need to learn how to disagree without being aggressive and learn to be a door, not a door-mat.

·         The internal relationship: this is the relationship you have with yourself. How you see yourself goes a long way to affect how you relate with others. Have a vision for your life because a person without goals needs no helpmate. Develop a healthy self-esteem. See yourself the way God sees you. Do not devalue yourself. “Do you not know that you are God’s temple and that God’s Spirit dwells in you? If anyone destroys God’s temple, God will destroy him. For God’s temple is holy, and that temple you are.” 1 Corinthians 3:16-17 Fall in love with wisdom and knowledge. Have a great appetite for knowledge. Read wide and develop yourself. (Proverbs 3:13-15)                                                                                                                                                            

Are you surrounded with bad marriages? Ok, then I’m sure you’ll relate to the next couple of points. 

Challenges with bad marriages in relation to singles.

1.      Singles get to find out how unhappy some people can be in marriage and this scars them off.

2.      Singles get to see respectable friends turn into horrific wives and husbands due to issues in the marriage and have second thoughts about marrying.

3.      Singles are forced into becoming marriage counsellors by disgruntled married people.

4.      Singles are approached for illicit sexual relationships by unhappy married people.

The effects of such bad marriages on singles are:

·         Skepticism: singles begin to think there’re no genuine happy marriages out there. You start to generalise and say all men/women are liars/cheats.

·         Fear: you begin to think the chances of your marriage working are very low.

·         Pessimism: you start to think marriage is a trap and should be avoided where possible.

·         Mercenary: you see marriage to be all about looking out for yourself instead of looking out for your partner too.

     So you ask yourself, “is there hope?” Well, you’re more likely to hear about a bad marriage than a good one- bad news travels fast!

Remember these:

·         The fact that others failed, if even they were your parents doesn’t necessarily mean your marriage will also fail.
·         Beware of what you make of the bad stories you hear about peoples’ marriages- you may not be hearing the whole story. “He who states his case first seems right, until the other comes and examines him.” Proverbs 18:17
·         Learn from other people’s mistakes and bad experience. (Proverbs 24:30-34)
·         God instituted marriage and He’s the best one to advice on it- not friends or traditions. Seek Godly counsel. (Proverbs 24:3-6)

How should I approach my relationship/marriage you may ask. First, learn some lessons from Abraham in Genesis 24:1-20. See how he didn’t want his son Isaac to be unequally yoked with any of the daughters of the Canaanites? Exactly. “Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership have righteousness and iniquity? Or what fellowship has light with darkness?” 2 Corinthians 6:14

Love is not blind. Open your eyes and know what you’re looking for in a partner. Know that marriage is not your destination, it’s a stage in life (Colossians 3:17-19). Never sacrifice your relationship with God on the altar of marriage (1 Peter 2:9).

Six pillars of your approach to a relationship leading to marriage.

1.      Conviction- your faith is non-negotiable. You probably really like someone but he/she isn’t a Christ follower. What do you do? It’s simple. Do not compromise, hoping that you’ll be able to change them. It’s a no-no. And do not throw away your Christian faith to be with the person either.

2.      Consultation- seek God’s guidance and pastoral counsel. Never commit your life to a man/woman who isn’t ready to see your pastor for counselling.

3.      Core values of the person- find out the values of the person because the values the person holds makes the real person.

4.      Character- granted, no one is perfect, but some traits are inexcusable. Know that the flaws which you decide are excusable about the person may or may not change. So, are you ready to live with those flaws?

5.      Companions- the association of the person says a lot about him/her. Are his/her friends Godly people or are their behaviour and beliefs questionable? “He who walks with wise men becomes wise, but the companion of fools will suffer harm.” Proverbs 13:20

6.      Charm- the person’s charm may be great and even intriguing, but charm my dear, is temporary. “Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.” Proverbs 31:30 I believe this verse doesn’t apply to only women but men too.

Dear single ladies (and men) out there, remember to first be the Godly person a Godly man/woman will be attracted to. And never settle for less than you’re worth. Marriage is no joke. Be patient and pray about that special someone. Oh, and ladies, let the guy find you and pursue you! Not the other way round. :) Ponder over “He who finds a wife finds a good thing, and obtains favour from the Lord.” Proverbs 18:22 and “Therefore a man leaves his father and mother and cleaves to his wife, and they become one flesh.” Genesis 2:24

This post is a lil lengthy, but thanks for sticking through till the end. I hope you’ve gained some crisp, fresh insight. ;)

Keep praying, and be patient. xoxo

Delali.

To the single ladies...upon valentine

So, valentines day is just around the corner and most singles out there are probably dreading it. You see, valentine’s day is the time when we singles are reminded full blast of our singleness . We find couples who seriously display their affection for each other on this day a little (a little? LOL) irritating, as if they’re purposefully rubbing it in our faces that we’re forever lonely. However, I personally don’t view being single as a lonely period as the world would have us believe. I see it as my alone time, my special time in life where I get to enjoy God without any distractions. This is the time the only man who gets my full attention is Christ, my bridegroom, my forever Valentine “...for I betrothed you to Christ to present you as a pure bride to her one husband.” 2 Corinthians 11:2

Sure, a couple of wrong guys got my attention along the way and I came to realize after the heartaches that I don’t need to keep doing this to myself. I’m leaving my love story into the hands of my Creator. After all He made me and He knows the man who’s best suited and worthy of my attention and commitment.. I’ve resolved to stay fully committed to Christ until (and even after) that Godly man I pray to my Father for comes and pursues me as he should. “He who finds a wife finds a good thing, and obtains favor from the Lord.” Proverbs 18:22  (Note that it's not she who finds a husband.) Stop trying to woo that guy or trying to get him to like you! If he likes you, he’ll want to be friends and pursue you in a Godly manner like the princess that you are. (Always remember your Father is the King of kings. :D )

If you’re single, this valentine, do not let all the sappy show of affection make you feel any less loved and happy. You are a child of God, and married to Christ right now. (Not that you abandon Him once you’re blessed with a Godly relationship. I hope you get my drift.) Decide that you’re not going to get you a cheap fix, some guy to while away the time so you don’t feel ‘lonely’. News flash: you don’t need a guy to make you happy! This is a truth I’m constantly waking up to. Seriously, we don’t need a guy to tell us the ‘perfect words’, heavily sugar coated and dripping with tooth decaying sweetness before we know we are beautiful and special.  Song of Solomon 1:15 says “Behold, you are beautiful, my love; behold, you are beautiful; your eyes are doves. Our identity is not found in a guy, it never was and never is. Our identity is firmly found in Christ, our bridegroom. Only the love of Christ makes us whole. Not some guy or some stuff.

Sometimes we tend to fill the void within us with all sorts of things that only rip us off of our peace and true happiness. That guy, the booze, that temporary high, the wild, crazy party life ...all these things are not going to give you guaranteed, lasting happiness. Only Christ can fill that void, that emptiness. He’s longing for you to come to Him and have a deep relationship with Him. One that is full of wisdom and blissful joy.  John 3:29 says” He who has the bride is the bridegroom; the friend of the bridegroom, who stands and hears Him, rejoices greatly at the bridegroom’s voice; therefore this joy of mine is now full.”

 This valentine, as the television is full of lovey-dovey movies/shows, as couples affectionately show their love for each other, remember that you are dearly loved by someone special who suffered and died for your sake... Jesus. Remember that valentine’s day is not necessarily for couples only. You have family and friends who love you. You should as well let them know you love them too. (Showing affection to loved ones shouldn’t be limited to just valentine’s day. It should be a daily thing.)

 

 Show affection and kindness to a friend, a homeless person and even to yourself. Instead of expecting to receive a bouquet, a box full of heart shaped chocolates, cards or receiving special treatment, do something different. Give instead. Pamper yourself. Treat yourself to some ice cream, some chocolates. Fix yourself some mouth watering dish, polish your nails, dance to some praise tunes. You don’t have to wait on some person to make you feel loved or happy. When your happiness is based on a human, it’s never really guaranteed. You need to create your own happiness and sunshine. Take your sunshine with you this valentine and the many days beyond, knowing that God, who’s Light, is the source of your shine.

 Most importantly, as a single, spend some time on this love day with God. Have a date with Him! This may sound ridiculous but hear me out. A date with God is setting time aside for only you and Him. Get familiar with your bridegroom, Jesus, by reading about Him and understanding and believing the wonderful truths He speaks about your life. Don’t see God as some distant Father, no. Establish a true relationship with Him and draw closer to Him. Journal about Him, pour out your heart to Him in prayer, meditate on the Word. Have some beautiful worship songs playing softly and when you feel a praise break coming, let it. Our Father loves for us to sing to Him. :-)

My dear single friends, this valentine, refuse to wallow in sadness and self-pity. Say no to sad, sappy chick flicks that leave you crying. Say no to stupid love songs that break your heart all over again with every single note... songs which bring memories of old that steal your joy. Say no to that fling! Hit ‘ignore’ for that booty call! You’re certainly not some piece of meat and you shouldn’t allow yourself to be reduced to such insignificance. You are a beautiful soul that deserves to be loved in an honorable way. Refuse to let in the carnal passions that keep knocking at your hearts door. Learn how to say NO! Don’t be a wandering soul who keeps looking for validation in men. What you don’t realize is you’re losing pieces of yourself in all those relationships... Dear one, keep in mind that sexual relations outside of marriage does not in any way equate to the true purity and beauty of love. A person that knows God knows how to genuinely love, because God is love... and love is patient in all things.

“Love is patient and kind; love is not jealous or boastful, it is not arrogant or rude. Love does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrong, but rejoices in the right. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

“That you may be blameless and innocent, children of God without blemish in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world.” Philippians 2:15

 Dear friend, decide not to be part of the people that give themselves away around this period. Know your worth in Christ. Pray for a Godly man, believing that God is preparing him specially for you, just as He’s willing to guide you to also prepare yourself for your man while single. Don’t give up on love, no. Don’t push/force it to happen either. Practice some patience (I need a good doze of it, don’t we all? LOL), have some more faith. Love will find you where you are. And oh, what joy will that day bring, when you finally meet the right man who’ll come boldly and yet gently to pursue your beautiful heart. You’ll both fall sweetly and deeply in love with each other. You’ll love each other, flaws and all. You’ll be imperfectly perfect.

“I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem, that you stir not up nor awaken love until it please.” Song of Solomon 8:4

 Embrace your singlehood dearie. You are worthy of a true gentleman, a man after God’s heart, who’s modelled after Jesus, the best gentleman ever to walk the surface of this earth. So save yourself all the drama and heartache and purposefully establish a deep relationship with Jesus while you’re single. I have come to believe He’s my rock, my ride or die... He’s the only One who truly has our backs. His love is an unadulterated, unconditional love that makes us whole. 
 

“And you have come to fullness of life in Him, who is the head of all rule and authority.” Colossians 2:10 

 “Jesus turned, and seeing her He said “Take heart, daughter; your faith has made you well.”” Matthew 9:22

 Don’t you want Jesus to heal your brokenness and make you whole? I bet you do. So this valentine, share affection with your mom, pray for that homeless person... put on some red lipstick, pour yourself some good drink, and have a date with your ultimate bridegroom, Jesus.

“Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is gracious, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.” Philippians 4:8

You’re dearly loved darling! xoxo

Delali.